Teenage Doesn't Have to Be a Battle: Proven Strategies for Strengthening Connection with Your Teen

In some cases, puberty can turn the parent-child relationship upside down and leave both sides with unanswered questions. Young people test their limits, want to become independent and find their own identity. At the same time, they are subject to mood swings, and seek conflict with their parents, but need just as much love and attention as before. It is not always easy for parents at this stage to properly deal with the rebellious and at the same time vulnerable soul of a teenager.

With a lot of patience, attention and perseverance, you can master these difficult times with your child and at the same time strengthen the parent-child relationship. We, therefore, give you tips on how you can regain access to your child and how you can support them in all situations.

How to deal with a teenager

Adolescents find themselves in a physically and psychologically turbulent phase of their lives during puberty. In search of their own identity, they are plagued by self-doubt and insecurities. At the same time, they increasingly feel the urge to stand on their own two feet and become more independent. This turbulent emotional state can also explain mood swings or irritable behaviour.

In this phase of life, young people need approval and recognition above all. With regular affirmation, you can help your child build healthy self-esteem and explore and solidify their identity. Praise for good performance and responsible action can also contribute to this. Try to focus on your child's positive qualities, such as friendliness, creativity, or critical thinking. This is how you show your child which character traits and skills are particularly lovable and make them unique. On the other hand, you have many opportunities to give your child positive encouragement at the same time, instead of just pronouncing bans or criticizing them.

It is particularly difficult for some parents to accept the changes and attempts at differentiation made by young people. She is not used to the thought that her own child will soon be able to stand on her own two feet as an adult. Nevertheless, puberty is part of your child's natural development. Hobbies are changing, vacations and activities together are no longer the same as they used to be, and your child is probably more interested in their friends (e.g. also through online communication) than in their parents. This is a completely natural process that prepares your child step by step for an independent life.

This period of life, which brings with it so many changes, is not easy for either side. To get through this difficult phase well, show your child that you love them unreservedly the way they are - even if they have made a mistake or changed a lot. Support and trust are the pillars a teenager can lean on as they grow up. As a parent, you should therefore place this trust in your child and support them in all situations. Together you will find a solution for every problem.

How do I set boundaries for my child?

In parenting, socializing and using digital media, it is important that you, as a parent, emphasize why some rules are necessary and the possible consequences of breaking them. In this way, your child learns to respect the rules and deal with the consequences of their actions. Even if young people would never admit it, they need rules and boundaries that they can use as a guide. However, these should be flexible enough to allow exceptions. Time windows are suitable here, for example, in which a task has to be completed, in which your child should be at home or in which it can use digital media. It has its own discretion and learns concrete planning.

Showing your child that you care about what they're thinking and feeling will make them more open to serious conversation. In a conversation, it is helpful if all parties have space to present their point of view - even if the others cannot share it. So try to find a compromise that works for all sides.

To encourage open discussion, it helps if you try to see the situation from your child's perspective. This is how you show your child that you understand their situation.

Arguing is just part of it.

They do not change anything in the parent-child relationship. However, young people constantly question this. It is therefore helpful if you show your child that you continue to love them unconditionally, even when you have to criticize their behaviour or even take consequences for wrongdoing.

Try to respect your child's ever-growing urge for self-determination.

Even if this step is not easy for parents and you want to protect your child, you should accept that your child wants to experience things for himself.

To ensure that rules and boundaries are observed, you can set consequences from the start and communicate them clearly to your child.

However, you should only use harsh penalties such as mobile phone bans and house arrest as a last resort. It is more advisable if parents draw logical conclusions or agree on reparations with the child. In this way, your child learns that his actions have consequences and understands the deeper meaning behind some rules. At the same time, you avoid the fact that your child is hiding actions for fear of punishment. It is best to try to remain calm even in conflict situations.

Example: You catch your child playing on the computer late into the night. Don't blame him at first, but point out that he should actually be sleeping. The next day is then the opportunity to talk about the situation. State that you are concerned about his usage behaviour and try to find a solution together. For example, you can set up usage rules or set up time recording. If this situation repeats itself or if your child breaks the agreed rules, you can take the previously agreed consequences (e.g. switch off the WLAN router at a certain time).

Reward good behaviour and reliability.

On the other hand, try to reward good behaviour and reliability. If your child comes home on time, does all the work in an exemplary manner or sticks to the agreed media times, it may be e.g. Stay longer at the party next time. This is how you convey to your child that you value reliability very much.

What's the best way to talk to a teenager?

One wrong word and a teenager can seemingly shut himself off completely. Many parents are familiar with this problem. The reason for this is the self-image that some teenagers have of themselves at this time. This can easily falter, leading teenagers to react defensively. In order to avoid this potential conflict situation, there are some formulations and tips that parents can use when communicating with young people:

Show genuine interest

When asking questions about your child's hobbies or everyday life, it's a good idea to avoid using standard phrases like "How was school?" or "What are you doing there?" It is better to delve deeper into topics and research information about leisure activities, favourite bands or series on the Internet beforehand in order to be able to ask more specific questions.

Initiate conversations by telling about yourself

Talk about how your day was and then ask openly about your child's opinion or experiences. This is how you signal that you are willing to talk and that you have an open ear for your child.

Express criticism best in “I-messages”

This is how you pack critical words cleverly and at the same time communicate your own feelings. Example: Instead of saying "You're just annoyed all the time!", say "Your behaviour makes me insecure. I don't really know what to say or what to do. Do you have any idea how we can solve this?". In this way, you avoid accusations and recognize your child as an equal partner.

Refrain from irony, sarcasm and jokes at the expense of your child

Because teenagers are often plagued by self-doubt, making funny jokes or remarks can reinforce their fears and thus fail to have the intended effect. Generalizations and exaggerations can also make your child feel hurt. In order to skillfully avoid such situations, try to refrain from making such statements. Instead, you can specifically address what you really mean.

Allowing different opinions to float

Parents and children do not always have to have the same viewpoints. Sometimes the best way is to agree that opinions may differ and that you accept that.

Decide for yourself which conflicts to resolve

Not every situation always has to end in a discussion. Teenagers like to provoke and fight in an attempt to distance themselves from their parents. Even if it is certainly difficult in some situations, as a parent you should react sensibly and only deal with the conflicts that are really necessary.

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